And the Oscar goes to...

When I was younger I had this massive fear of getting called up front in school assemblies. Whenever they called for volunteers I would seriously crunch my body down as close to the bleacher seat possible and hold my breath. Every muscle would be frozen in place for fear that even a twitching eyelash it would be interpreted as volunteering. Personally, I never understood why my friends all jumped at the chance to go up in front of the whole school and learn how to not drive drunk, make balloon animals or have a chalk art picture drawn of them. This kind of foolishness was beyond my conception. My goal was to avoid humiliation as much as possible


Fast forward 25 years or so and I realize that I have been married one of those annoying "Me! Me! Me!" kids for the past 15 years. How this fact slipped my attention when he was a suitor...I'll never know. But apparently this obvious defect in character has eluded my observance for years. Perhaps it was love that made me blind, but after 15 years I can finally see: I married the class clown.

This revelation came to me during our "Fun" CPR/First Aid training class for the church staff today. From the get go Billy was joking with the instructor and making all sorts of funny jokes. I was enjoying myself, but whenever the instructor called for volunteers I would go into freeze mode. Billy, however, would be waving his hands and volunteer once again. At one point the instructor called out a few volunteers and gave them special instructions. (They were going to have impromptu heart attacks, seizures, etc...) and of course my beloved was one of them. As he sat next to me I felt like he was a ticking time bomb. I realized that when he went down with whatever ailment du jour I'd have to be the one to help him and didn't want to have that kind of pressure. Sure...in real life I could deal with it (and I have with other emergencies) but in front of my friends/ co-workers I could only think of the embarrassment.

The big moment came when I saw the long look the instructor gave Billy. Billy took one last drink of soda, laid his glasses down of the table and proceeded to launch his body out of the chair. He landed on the floor with his arms and legs thrashing all about. Since I knew it was an act all I could do was laugh. I was suppposed to pretend that it was real and practice First Aid but I was doubled over with laughter. (At this point Billy was "convulsing" so hard that his shirt was practically up over his neck.) Kurt was the only one who did what he was supposed to...he cradled Billy's head to protect it from the ground, told someone to call 911 and asked for something to cushion his head. Bob dutifully moved chairs and aside. What was I still doing at this point? Laughing uncontrollably. Billy finished off with his faux seizure with a grand finale of flailling arms and legs and passing out. Very dramatic indeed.

So to the class clown that I love...you deserve the Oscar. You not only saved us from a potentially mind numbing day but also made me realize the importance of the class clown--without them the world would be an incredibly boring filled with people clutching their bleachers praying not to be seen.